I don’t really ever “get real” on my blog because, well, it’s a book blog. I try to keep it mainly book generated. But lately I’ve been seeing a lot of other bloggers talk about themselves personally. Now, I’m not trying to copy them or hop on the personal train, but I feel like it’s given me a way to get to know them on a deeper level. But then I realized I don’t do this in return. With the exception of a tiny few of my blog friends, I don’t share a lot. I keep stuff to myself. I don’t talk about my personal life or things I’m dealing with or whatever… which is sad because sometimes I feel more confident coming to my blog friends about things than I do IRL friends!
The past SEVERAL months I’ve been trying to think of something to replace my Retro Reads that I did every Thursday, so I’ve decided that on Thursdays I’ll get a little personal with you. Mostly just write about whatever comes to mind!
So unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve noticed that BEA was last week. And while I’m super happy that everyone who went had a great time, got to meet blog friends and connect with some great authors… I’ll admit that I got a little (okay super) bummed that I wasn’t able to go. Granted, it was my choice due to work constraints, but still…
I tried to keep the “I’m sad I’m not at BEA” comments to myself and not post them on Twitter because seriously… no one likes a Debbie Downer. I cheered friends along, got excited for them when they tweeted something they did. I genuinely was happy for them. But, needless to say, that positivity that I tried to maintain took a nosedive as soon as the “OMG look!” tweets started (seriously, I loved them. Don’t let this post fool you).
This post isn’t about my pouting over not attending BEA, but instead about how I let things take away my positivity and replace it with negativity. I know I’ve mentioned it probably vaguely during my time blogging, but I have depression. I was diagnosed with it about 5 years ago and have been “battling” it for even longer. I use quotes because it’s not battling cancer or the dark forces; “dealing” is probably a better term. My grandmother has it too and trust me… I fear I may start getting as crazypants as she is!
Mostly, as long as I take my medicine and watch for signs, I don’t Hulk out on people. I’m generally able to control it. But, then there are of course times when I get all “Candice mad!” and it’s really not pretty. And it typically comes from me letting something that is out of my control start to effect me negatively. While I think the average person can usually just shrug their shoulders and move on (at least I think… is that right?) I, for some reason, cannot. Things start to fester and it gets… well… bad.
Lately I’ve been starting to look at things that make me feel bad – and trust me, there sadly seem to be an increasing amount. Even sadder is that there are a lot of things I CAN’T do anything about. I can’t change who people are. I can’t change the fact that the copy machine is in my office (and everyone feels the need to discuss how to use it with me). I can’t make Books a Million mail my PRE-ORDERED copy of Siege and Storm out any sooner.
While yes, there are a lot of things I can’t change or do anything about, there are a lot of things I CAN do to combat negativity. Instead of sitting with the same people at lunch every day who make me depressed (because all they do is bitch), I can choose to sit with other people. Or sit by myself and read. Instead of pouting because I’m not a part of the “in” crowd, I can focus on how awesome my friends are. Instead of being exposed to everyone’s “perfect” life on social media, I can shut my computer and go experience my own “perfect” life.
I think, for me, staying positive, when I’m most inclined to be negative, is going to be a life-long battle. I hate it and I hate that I feel that’s how I’m wired. I’ve always been told “fake it until you make it” but sometimes it feels like an act of Congress is needed for me to fake it. Sometimes I just want to pout and cry and think the world is over because I didn’t get approved for Fangirl on NetGalley. And, I think that’s okay for the most part. Life is full of disappointments and negative moments, but I’m starting to realize that it’s up to me to understand what I can change and what I just need to let run its course.
So what about you, blogger friends? Do you have trouble staying positive? What are some things that you do to excuse yourself from a pity party?